1) Start off by…
…casually dropping in some kind of reference as to how “long ago it seems” since you both last talked. Sound nonchalant.

2) Then, subtley…
…mention an anecdote from a recent holiday, or say something like, “it’s funny you should mention that because they say the exact same thing in the Bahamas. I know that because I was there recently. In the Bahamas”.

3) Remember to always….
…refer to her new boyfriend by using “scare quotes” around his “name”.

4) Talk about…
…mutual friends as if they have been hanging out with you more.

5) At all times…
…talk to her face.

6) If you can’t do that, at least…
…refrain from saying anything like, “SO COME ON, TELL ME WHO FUCKS BETTER. ME OR HIM. ME OR HIM“.

7) Remember to…
…make references to anything interesting you do in your spare time (Chinese pottery, wine-tasting classes, betting on midget fights), which will rouse suspicions that your life is possibly much more fulfilling than hers.

8) Wherever possible, try to…
…accompany the phrase, “when WE were together…” with an eye-roll.

9) Casually remind her…
…that you are still in possession of hundreds of naked pictures of her. Maybe accompany this with some kind of pelvic thrust or eyebrow waggle, or perhaps sniff your index finger and give out a long, drawn out moan.

10) And always follow this one golden rule…
…never show any emotion. Don’t show that you were hurt by the breakup. Don’t show that you are interested in her current life. Don’t laugh at her jokes. Don’t laugh at your own jokes. If women are as inherently crazy as I have been led to believe considering the events of the past few months, this final step should drive her insane with passion and she’ll be grabbing at your balls again before you can say “Richard” with a scare-quote gesture for the 15th time.