There are many reasons why women stay with violent partners, and each case is unique and should be viewed individually. However, there are some underlying beliefs that make women stay, there is the overall stigma and embarrassment attached to these relationships with common ignorant beliefs such as she must have deserved it, she must like it or she would leave, or it is a private matter between husband and wife. The most effective form of abuse is thought to be emotional, which is why men use not only physical violence but a combination of mental, verbal, economic and sexual abuse to control women. They gradually wear the woman down, creating total fear and dependence and a lack of self-belief and confidence in themselves and anyone else around them. Outwardly the couple may appear happy and "normal", as these men are often charming and deceptive, so there would be the issue of disbelief and scandal.
It is extremely difficult for someone who has not experienced this kind of treatment to understand how it affects women and why they stay, but there are some common factors that we will cover here. Firstly the woman has memories of a loving partner and believes that he will change and become the person she once knew. He makes excuses for his violence that the woman comes to believe, such as it is due to stress or that it is her fault he behaves this way and she shouldn't have done this or that to provoke him. Also there is the notion of better the devil you know, or the children love him and would miss him, or refuse to leave.
Men have several methods of controlling women and preventing them from talking about what is happening or seeking help. Children are regularly used to ensure women stay by either threats of violence and abuse towards them or by women having the misled belief that their children will be taken from them by agencies such as social services if they make the violence known. Whilst it is true that social services would wish to remove the children from that environment, they would prefer to keep the mother and children together reducing the risk of further stress to either party. We must remember that in over 90% of cases of Domestic Violence the children are present or in a room next door and there are very strong links between domestic violence and child abuse, (Messages From Research, 1995).
Men frequently control and lessen the woman's freedom by running all economic aspects of the relationship i.e. running the home, shopping etc. creating financial dependence. If the woman were given an allowance, she would have to account for every penny spent, preventing the opportunity to save enough money to attempt to leave. It also creates a fear of leaving as it presents huge problems when thinking of feeding and housing herself or her children and often would mean leaving all or most of their possessions. Many women do not know their rights or what help is available to them, so do not have the know how to leave immediately. This in turn creates an isolation, which is compounded by the abuser when he makes threats, particularly to other family members and friends, which are effective because the woman knows exactly what he is capable of. This results in her belief that she cannot turn to them to provide a safe place to stay for fear of placing them in great danger.
In addition, consideration must be given to those women who cannot or have not been allowed to learn the English language or who have religious or cultural reasons for staying in a violent relationship. They may believe that the violence is "normal", or believe that to leave would bring dishonor to the family, consequently resulting in the woman being ostracised, not only by family but by her community as well. This may also mean that the woman would lose her immigration status, and would have to leave or fight to stay, which of course would mean she had no recourse to public funds and could not work, so would struggle to support herself, let alone a family. Also if there are language barriers she hasn't been told what her rights are and what agencies could help her, in fact the abuser usually instills a fear of professional services in the woman.
Changes in attitude around Domestic Violence are slow, and there are still difficulties within the judiciary and police systems, which creates a fear of reporting this crime and a disbelief in justice being served. The following quotes are extreme examples of these negative attitudes:
· Summing up in a rape trial, Judge Raymond Dodd said: "When women say no, they don't always mean no. Men can't turn their emotions on and off like a tap as some women do".
· Before releasing on probation a man who admitted repeated sexual assaults on his 12 year old stepdaughter, Judge Sir Harold Cassel said: "A pregnant wife's lack of sexual appetite leads to considerable problems for healthy young husbands".
It is important to note there are many reasons why a woman stays with a violent man and this explanation is not exhaustive, it merely gives a snap shot of the more common reasons.
